What a phrase. Staying single. It's the only phrase making sense right now to describe the right feeling I'm looking for.
If I say, "Single Forever," meaning I never want to be in an intimate relationship ever again, I could sabotage what might be a splendid thing if I meet someone in say, twenty years from now. So, I have to stay open and not say "forever," for now.
I used to say, fairly recently, that I am married to myself first. So I could say, "Marrying my Self." This means, I am dedicated and devoted to developing myself into my Highest Self, my fullest potential in this life time. I'm focused on letting fall away all the parts of me that are covering up my True Nature, that which the Yogi seeks to know, True Self-Knowledge. Therefore, what I think, say, and do, will bear this marriage in mind as I move in the world and have relationships.
This marriage, this relationship, overrides all other relationships. At first that sounds selfish, and it surely is, but the kind of selfish matters, because there's a spectrum of selfishness in the same way that Alan Watts says there's a spectrum of love. This is not the egocentric "That's mine" and "I'm the only person that matters" kind of selfish, but it means protecting and being committed to how I seek to operate. I seek to operate from love.
I want to live according to the ideals that uphold love. Love is creative and Love is Life itself. So, anything I am doing to develop is coming from knowing that I am made of Love and therefore, when I am married to my Self and operate from Love, others are surely going to benefit. So, guarding my marriage to my Higher Self is actually good for others, even the person I would potentially be in a relationship with.
In the most recent relationship I was in, the first relationship after a divorce, I made that clear. I thought my partner made that clear, that he was married to his Higher Self. This relationship ended just four days ago, and that's why I'm writing this blog. To understand where I stand on, so maybe that means to overstand, intimate relationships.
At this time, I feel quite strange about it all; strange because I've never had such a lack of desire in my life toward relationships. I knew that would happen. I said to myself, "if this relationship does not last, I can't see any other last either." So I gave it what I could, and in the aftermath I am remembering many moments, little flashbacks, that are helping me understand what happened, what went wrong, what failed, what worked.
At the end of my marriage, which I consider the last two years of it, I became quite the cynic and cursed marriage and all the damage done to people through marriage, this socially constructed institution.
In this most recent relationship, I approached it quite consciously and carefully. I was a different person going into it than when I went into my marriage. But, I was surprised to see how it ended up crumbling.
One of the ways that helps me understand my experiences, is to write about them. I had no desire to do so privately this time because I know this is a real issue that other people face. I also think that it's a way to combat loneliness, which I'm not feeling, but I hear about loneliness all the time. So I'm taking preventative action as I stay single. And lastly, I've always wanted to write about intimate relationships, since before I got married, because even then I thought marriage was hogwash. I held myself back from writing before, but now is the right time to write.
Thank you for reading this.